It is something that I have slowly come to the realization of over the course of the past few months. I refused to admit it for a period of time because I figured if I didn't believe it, then it wasn't true, right? Stubborn me. Ignoring it doesn't make it any less true, believe me. It might possibly just make you miserable. My secret is this:
I am inadequate. Not capable. Unqualified. Broken. Insufficient. Messy. Whatever you want to call it. I've found out that sometimes, I just can't do it.
And that's hard to admit, for a girl who likes to be in control. I like to fix things. I hate it when someone has a problem or is hurting and I can't do anything about it. I'm a doer. Much of the time, I try to do things on my own. I get this mindset that it relies on me, and if I fail, I'm failing the person I'm trying to help. And heaven forbid failure. So I try to do all I can for a situation on my own, and it ends up leaving very little space for anything else. I pour my energy into fixing things so much so that I don't have time for myself. This lifestyle of trying to be in control leaves me very drained. Fixing things on my own becomes a burden; it becomes a weight on my shoulders. And serving others should never be a burden. But still, for me to say that I can't fix things is painful.
Here's the thing though- God doesn't want that for me. I wasn't created to be in control. I'm not wired to be able to do life on my own. When I put my reliance on myself, God, in love, is saying to me, "Self-reliance isn't how I created you." You see, heaven did not forbid failure. Even the greatest apostles failed sometimes. Instead, God wants me to learn from failure. He shows me that failure is not final. When I rely on my own strength to fix things, I will fail. Which is why Paul says in Ephesians 6, "Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength" I'm made to rely on His strength. It is His strength that's perfected when I'm weak, when I fall.
I have learned that it is okay for me to admit I can't do it. It's okay to be weak. And, I think it's okay to try to do it on my own some of the time, because sometimes I have to be at the end of myself before I look up. When I look up and let go, that's when God can really step in and work through me. It's then that His power shines through. I can't do it sometimes, but that's okay, because God can. He will come in and say, "My child, let Me handle it. Just step back and let Me take charge of this. I won't fail you. You can't do it alone, for that's not how I made you. I made you to rely on Me. Let me hold you. Let go, and trust Me."
So, that's what I'm trying to do each day. It's not easy, because sometimes I still get in the way and do it myself. But God always gently draws me back to reliance on Him and His strength.
And for me, His insufficient child, trusting Him fulfills me far more than going my way ever could. So I'm just going to keep on trusting, embrace my inadequacy, and let God shine through the all cracks in my life. I am unqualified, but God is fully able. And, I think, He likes to use the broken and weak like me to accomplish His will.